Some days ironic wit fits the bill, here are two dozen witticisms I have collected over the years.
Two Dozen Witticisms
-I started out with nothing...I still have most of it.
-Some days you're the dog, some days the hydrant.
-I finally got my head together, now my body is falling apart.
-Funny, I don't remember being absent minded.
-If all is not lost, where is it?
-It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
-If at first you do succeed, try not to look too astonished.
-The first rule of holes: If you are in one, stop digging.
-I went to school to become a wit, only got halfway through.
-It was all so different before everything changed.
-Nostalgia isn't what is used to be.
-Old programmers never die. They just terminate and stay resident.
-A day without sunshine is like a day in Seattle.
-I wish the buck stopped here. I could use a few.
-It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
-Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip round the sun.
-The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.
-If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.
-Lead me not into temptation (I can find the way myself).
-If you're living on the edge, make sure you're wearing your seat belt.
-An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
-It's not hard to meet expenses...they're everywhere.
-Jury: Twelve people who determine which client has the better attorney.
-Old people shouldn't eat health foods. They need all the preservatives they can get.
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